The Argument Formula

The emotional brain (Limbic system) tends to ultimately control our actions. Every human being has a protective territory that fluctuates according to their own unique Values, Emotions, Rules and Beliefs (V.E.R.B).

 Arguments and emotional upset happen in a relationship when there is a conflict between each other's core values, threshold rules or personal beliefs. This can happen between parents and children, husband and wife, employer and employee or even between countries.

Any perceptions that are not in alignment have a higher potential to cause arguments.To evaluate this consciously, many times the root cause comes down to the need for more space, time, energy or matter. When you're in conflict just ask yourself am I giving too much or too little space,time ,energy or matter here .When you find out which one it is and provide its needs the argument usually stops.

It's surprisingly simple

Did you know we store a running checklist in our mind of all interactions in a relationship. The brain will keep a complete log of every exchange from the time you met. Conflict arises when there is a rule break regarding each other's values and beliefs.

When there's a confrontation these emotions can lead to a fight or flight response. If you are wired to fight screaming or physical abuse may occur. If you are wired more for flight you may just leave and never resolve the true issue. Remember what they think is just what they think. It may or may not be accurate but emotional upset can continue to build creating more fire for a future argument.

 In the process of evaluating the root cause, sometimes they think they've given you a lot of attention (time) and wants the same back. Sometimes they feel they were there for you (space )and suddenly you're not available. Sometimes they bought you a gift or gave you something (matter) and expect you to reciprocate. Sometimes they listen to your challenges (energy) and now they want you to listen to their concerns also.

These may seem like small things but perceptions or imbalance have the power to close the heart and create long term mental stress. In the heat of an argument sometimes all a person wants is to be left alone .If you leave them to themselves for 10 minutes they can come back and hug you and want to be with you .

It is important to give them SPACE when they need it and you'll get loved in return. Sometimes they want you in their space and when you're willing to just stop and be with them the problem disappears

The process of being present is more powerful than hours of inpatient half attention. A proACTIVE way to reduce the intensity and occurrence of arguments is to be more in tune with and strive to meet your partners VALUES, EMOTIONS, RULES and BELIEFS (V.E.R.B).

Better Brain Tips

Be proACTIVE and have the VERB discussion regarding your relationship

1) Share your values regarding the source of conflict in a relaxed setting.

Question- Values

What's most important to you regarding _________?

2) Share your emotions that you are feeling regarding conflict.

Question -Emotions

How do you feel when _________?

3) Understand each other's rules and possible rule breaks.

Question- Rules

What would happen if ________?

4) Understand each other's global and personal beliefs .

Questions- Beliefs

What do you believe about________?

Why do you believe ___________?

In the end sometimes it may be best to agree to disagree to reduce conflict.